Life Coach & licensed therapist, Robin May stopped by the K.D. Bowe show to give advice on relationships. Relationships take work. And therefore before you get in one, please make sure you are ready!
Here are FIVE CLUES that indicate whether we are ready for a relationship!
Reason # 5: YOU HAVE NEVER GONE LONGER THAN SIX MONTHS WITHOUT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP.
It’s something about having time alone that helps us learn more about ourselves. But if we are always in a relationship we never get an opportunity to figure out what we really like or what we don’t for that matter. We aren’t quite enough w/ our own thoughts to sort through what our triggers are and our core beliefs! Often being in a relationship is our security blanket and if we want to be in a healthy relationship we have to figure out how to exist without needing one!
Reason # 4: YOU FIND YOUR IDENTIFY IN WHO YOU ARE DATING.
Of course when we date someone we are often attracted to them not only physically but also for who they are as a person. But if we begin to find OUR identity in who our partner is or what our partner does, we are in for a rude awakening. It’s bad enough to find our identity in what WE do…it’s extremely detrimental to do that through someone else. Our identity should be based on who we are in God. That’s difficult. Especially in a society that is focused on what you drive, live in and wear. It’s easy to get caught up in the ‘who’s-who’s’ lifestyle but doing so will lead to heartbreak.
Reason # 3: YOU HAVEN’T IDENTIFIED WHY YOUR LAST FEW RELATIONSHIPS FAILED
Remember. You are the common denominator in all of your past relationships. If every last dude was a dog, you gotta ask yourself why you are dating dogs! If you cheated on everyone you dated you have to ask yourself why you can’t commit. Figuring out the pattern of your love life is critical if you want to move forward in a healthy manner. Until you do that you will continue to repeat what you’ve always done!
Reason # 2: YOU AREN’T INTENTIONAL ABOUT GROWING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE RELATIONSHIP EXPERT — GOD!
You can call me super-spiritual. But if someone isn’t grounded and rooted in their own relationship with God, they are not in a position to romance me. See, relationships go through enough valleys that the couple needs to know that they are operating from the same base…and the best base I know is rooted in God. But like any relationship, your relationship with God has to be nurtured. And that takes intentionality.
Reason # 1: YOUR INSECURITIES DICTATE WHO AND HOW YOU LOVE!
We all have insecurities. From Idris to Halle…from Beyonce to Jay-Z. From me to you. We all have them. The issue though is when we let our insecurities dictate how we live and how we connect with others! Learning how to love freely despite our shortcomings is important if we want to be ready for a real and lasting relationship. It will also help us with our selection process. We can’t allow our insecurities to cause us to choose people that we think will hide our issues. We should love people who are readily able and willing to love us. Despite what we think we have…or don’t have!
Okay, so we talked about how to know if you are NOT ready for a relationship. But how do you know if you are indeed ready to make that leap. Check this out:
5 Clues that you ARE ready for a relationship!
1: You are in an intimate relationship with God AND with yourself!
As believers we are quick to say “can’t nobody judge my relationship with God”. And actually you are right. While our walk should show what we believe, no one really knows our walk. But truly your relationship with God is just that…yours! But if you have a solid, intimate relationship with God and you are allowing His will to take precedence over yours, then you may be ready for a relationship.
In addition to that, if you have taken the time to get to know yourself, then you can be ready to be with someone else. You have to know what you like, or what you don’t…you have to know your personality tendencies, your dreams and desires! Knowing yourself is vital!
2. You have released the pain of your past
Some of the pain we carry comes from past relationships that were not healthy or that did not end well, friends that were not supportive or disloyal, parents that have allowed their issues to affect us or parents who refuse to allow us to move beyond past mistakes. We must learn the lesson from our past but release the pain. How do you release the past? See three great ways below:
o Ask God to allow His Spirit to heal the broken places in our lives o Journal our thoughts in order to put them in proper prospective o Get rid of certain memories (i.e. pictures, letters, music, etc)
3. You are open to accountability
I know. You are grown. But the reality is that even the Bible tells us there is wisdom in a multitude of counsel. People who are ready for a relationship are not afraid to have select people who can hold their feet to the fire! Remember Iron sharpens Iron! (Proverbs 27:17)
4. You have found contentment
Are you living an abundant life? Have you settled by compromising your standards? Have you found or are you working towards life integration? That means you understand the importance of being sound, spiritually, emotionally, socially, and financially.
5. You are very clear about your personal / relationship standards
I know it isn’t popular to say this…but we should all have a list of what is nonnegotiable when it comes to our relationships. What are the things you will not compromise about? What have you identified is what is most important in a romantic relationship? The Bible tells us without a vision we perish, and that includes a vision for romantic relationships! If you have a clear standard for your romantic interest then you may be ready for a relationship.